


A Brief Case of Madness

by thehaikubandit



Series: The Monsters That Lurk [2]
Category: Black Sails, Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, F/M, M/M, Multi, Songfic, now with more literary references and Ancient Greek than any fic I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-04-08 02:38:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19098064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehaikubandit/pseuds/thehaikubandit
Summary: A prequel/sequel to As You Go Down for Your Gold. It's an exploration of Miranda/James/Thomas set in the Pacific Rim AU.





	1. The Itch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt the chill  
> My skin grew tired from the motion  
> I fell to bed  
> For fifteen years  
> But couldn't sleep...

James McGraw had been acting as the navy liason to Lord Thomas Hamilton for three weeks before he slept with the man’s wife. This was the current cause of his inability to sleep.

 

“Thomas isn’t here today,” she said when he arrived at their house. “And I doubt that he’ll be back from Whitehall before the day’s over. So instead you need to help me.”

She smiled at him, and called a car to come and collect them. She acted so surely that they both had been in the car for ten minutes before he questioned where they were going.

“There’s an art exhibition in my friend’s private gallery,” said Miranda. “I thought you might like to see it.”

She placed a hand on his knee.

“I -” James cleared his throat. “I should take you back home. There’s work that I can still be doing.”

“We can go somewhere else if the art doesn’t interest you.”

“No, it’s not that.” All James could think of was the comment that had been made in the navy bar the other night. His unconsciously formed a fist as he remembered the feel of the man’s nose breaking under his hand.

“Then what is it?”

“It’s, it’s not proper.”

“That,” said Miranda. “Is no reason to avoid doing something.”

And she instructed the driver to take them on a drive around London. When she kissed him it felt inevitable. He was grateful for the window between them and the driver. It allowed him some illusion of privacy.

 

Then the next morning, this morning, he woke to knocking on his door, and all he could think was that Thomas had found out and was there to tear apart his life.

But it had been Miranda. He let her in, slightly ashamed by the state of his flat. It was tidy, but bare. The paint on the walls was cracked and peeling.

She had torn apart his arguments as to why they should not be doing this with words that had made everything feel right. She’d even told him that Thomas would not mind, that he would be pleased that they were enjoying themselves while he was at work. That was the point at which all his protests fell away and they had sex three times. Once against the living room wall and twice on his bed.

And now he lay in the same bed. Christ, in the same sheets!

 

“ _What have you done?”_ whispered his thoughts. _“This is going to destroy everything you’ve been working towards.”_

He’d never done anything like this before. He’d never even had a relationship, let alone entered into an affair. And there was no lying to himself. This couldn’t be called anything else. Once would have been a mistake. More than that, well…

The growing feelings in his chest complicated things further. If it was just sex he felt it could be excused. But this? The way he felt about her?

 

“ _He’s going to find out,”_ continued his thoughts. _“In two weeks time he’s going to be inside your head and he’s going to know everything.”_

And oh God, if that wasn’t the most terrifying thing. Not only would he lose his job and his chance to pilot a Jaeger, but he was going to lose his friend. He also had no doubt that he would lose Miranda. She and Thomas were made for each other. James had known the pair of them for less than a month, but he’d never felt so close to anyone as he did with the two of them, with the single exception of Hennessey. The idea of losing them was unbearable.

He felt his breath catch in his chest, the panic threatening to overwhelm him. He needed to sleep, he needed to go back and change what he’d done, he needed to be able to breathe -

 

“ _Tomorrow,”_ he told himself. Tomorrow he’d call it off with Miranda. He’d apologise to Thomas. And then maybe, maybe if he was luckier than he had any right to be, things could go back to what they had been before.

H e’ d hoped that having a plan would calm him down, instead it only terrified him further. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. He wasn’t sure how long it took to fall asleep but it felt like fifteen years. 

 

He wasn’t lucky enough for dreamless sleep. He felt Miranda’s mouth on his, and then she was top of him, riding him on his bed as she had earlier. When he looked over her shoulder he saw Thomas who smiled at him. In the dream James couldn’t pull away, could only continue, his eyes locked with Thomas until Miranda collapsed, spent, onto his chest.  Thomas then took a single step into the room. 

He woke harder than he’d ever been in his life and  thought that he would drown with his guilt. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the fic that I wanted to write when I wrote the first one. It's inspired by the album A Brief Case of Madness by Tom Dickins & The Punintentionals. If you haven't heard it check it out on Bandcamp because it's amazing! (Special note for Les Miserables fans to listen to Green Paper Heart...)


	2. Half Full of Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our next one’s half empty  
> While we are left half full of ourselves…

Two weeks later James and Thomas drifted for the first time. The simulator test felt like a simple formality at this point. They’d been working together for a month and a half but already James felt like they were two halves of a whole. He couldn’t know what Thomas thought, well, not yet, but for his part Thomas felt the same way.

 

Confessing to his affair had gone better than James thought possible. Thomas had laughed and then gently explained that he and Miranda had an arrangement. They were both free to take lovers if they so wanted, so long as they were honest with each other.

“I did tell you,” said Miranda.

“I know,” James said. “I’m sorry. I should have believed you.”

“It’s fine,” she reassured him. “So long as you’re happy with how things are.”

He kissed her on the cheek in reply.

 

And now, here they were in the simulator. The Jaeger that they were to pilot was still being built in the Pitcairn Islands, but in the meanwhile they had this.

“Are you ready?” asked Thomas.

“If you are,” replied James.

They were secured in place and the chamber was cleared.

“Prepare for neural handshake in three, two, one,” came the voice over their headsets.

 

And then two became one.

 

_James stood at attention on the deck of a ship, in line with the other recruits…_

_Thomas argued in a warm room, nearly spilling a glass of wine as he waved it around, making his point…_

_The smell of the ocean and the sound of waves upon the rocks…_

_Sunlight through the leaves shining on the pages of his book…._

_His hand, warm in Miranda’s…_

_His hand, warm in Miranda’s…_

 

The feel of the first drift felt simultaneously like being overwhelmed by a flood of memories and emotion, and like coming home.

“ _Plato,”_ thought Thomas. _“We spend our lives searching for our other halves.”_

And because Thomas thought it, it was also James’ thought. They were made whole by this machine, minds half full of each other.

 

“Neural handshake strong and holding,” said the voice in their ears. _(“Really James, you know it’s Peter.”_ ) “Vitals steady. Prepare for simulated drop.”

The VR feed showed them a Kaiju, Karloff, they both recognised at the same time, coming into a bay.

“You are to drive the Kaiju back beyond the Miracle Mile,” said Peter. “Once beyond the Mile you will then kill the Kaiju.”

“Understood,” James said for the both of them. “Moving to engage.”

The fight itself seemed slightly secondary, both James and Thomas exploring the drift. They were careful not to chase the rabbit, everyone knew enough to avoid that, but the flashes of memories were hypnotic.

 

_Thomas unpacking his books, first day in his university accommodation…_

_James packing away his parent’s belongings to be put into storage…._

_Thomas and Miranda moving into their home, Miranda first sighing in exasperation to find him reading instead of unpacking, then being distracted herself…_

_James choosing what he wanted to take with him on his first posting, his grandfather’s copy of The Odyssey the one frivolous item he allowed himself…_

 

They drove Karloff back steadily, blocking its path and beating it back with their simulated fists. Carefully though, avoiding spilling a single drop of its toxic blood.

Eventually the call came from Peter.

“You have passed beyond the Miracle Mile.”

“ _Now,”_ they thought. They raised their right arm, sharing the motion, and prepared the plasma cannon to fire.

Three shots, straight to the head. Thomas reminds James how Karloff went down the first time. James didn’t need the reminder, but he allows it anyway.

 

_Watching Brawler Yukon on the news, the first victory that didn’t come at the cost of a city…_

_Watching Brawler Yukon on his phone, no, on Mark’s phone, the two of them still in bed, Mark giving a cheer and kissing Thomas hard on the mouth…_

 

James pulls away at that. He doesn’t know that he should have seen that. That he should have the feel of this man’s lips in his memory, or the feel of a warm body beneath his hands. Before memories of his own kisses come in response they are interrupted.

 

“Simulation complete,” says Peter. And then it is over, and they are wrenched apart, yet somehow still a part of each other. An echo of feeling. Whose arm is this? Whose hand? Whose thought?

Thomas puts a hand on his arm. James feels it on his arm, and feels his arm underneath his hand.

“Can we talk?” asks Thomas. His chin is up and he meets James’ eyes, but there is a spark of uncertainty within them.

James nods.

 

But before they can talk they are swept up into a whirlwind of briefings and tests. By the time they are declared fit and healthy, their simulation a resounding success, it is evening. Their minds have returned to their rightful places. James feels a sense of emptiness.

 

Miranda comes to collect them. Thomas whispers something to her and her eyes flick to James. She squeezes his hand and drives them both to the Hamilton’s home. She leaves them alone in the study, giving each man a kiss on the cheek.

 

“I’m not sorry,” says Thomas to start, a hint of defiance to his tone. He’s straight to the point, but then again, he’s been holding it in since the Drift. “We’re a good match and who I am shouldn’t change that.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” says James.

“That’s why I’m not.”

“No, I,” James searched for the right words. “I mean I don’t know that I’m, I mean I...”

The words stuck in his throat. Thomas walked towards him and he felt his heart pounding.

“You don’t know that you’re?”

“I don’t,” he looked down at his hands and then back up at Thomas. “I don’t quite fit any boxes.”

 

He hoped that his words have somehow gotten the point across, that Thomas knew he had nothing to worry about.

Thomas said nothing and just looked into his eyes. Then he bent his head and he was kissing James.

 

“ _Oh,”_ thought James. _“OH.”_

 

He hadn’t even dared to think about this, not outside of the occasional dream he buried deep and locked away. He had thought that it would be enough to love Miranda, to be loved by Miranda. That he could be loved by two people felt like an impossibility.

Then he was no longer being kissed. Thomas was looking at him uncertainly. James realised that he’d been too caught up in his thoughts. Pushing them aside he placed one hand on Thomas’ neck and kissed him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drift scenes are delightfully fun to write and I hope that they're just as fun to read!


	3. Miss You Already

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been five hours  
> And a quarter of a minute  
> Since I kissed you  
> And I miss you now  
> You’ve got the sweetest taste  
> And a full embrace  
> I miss you already

“Are you sure you have to go?” asked Thomas.

“We need to ensure that the base is prepared to launch when you arrive.”

“Yes, but surely there are other people who could,” Thomas broke off and waggled a hand to indicate everything James needed to get done.

“Yes,” said James. “But unfortunately we can’t all be lords. Some of us need to follow orders.”

“I’m sure I could bribe someone to change those orders. Or blackmail perhaps?”

“Hmmm,” said James, smiling. “And what would your philosophers say to that?”

He cut off Thomas’ arguments by kissing him, first on the mouth, and then trailing down his neck and chest.

 

He still made it on time to his flight, but it was a close call.

Thomas couldn’t farewell him properly in the airport but he kissed James goodbye in the car, as did Miranda.

Being a military flight, they were able to see him right to the plane. It helped that Thomas was a ranger. Miranda hugged him and held him close. Thomas shook his hand and they both held each other’s hands, reluctant to let go.

But then he was on board, and the plane was leaving, and he wouldn’t see them for four weeks.

James tried to sleep a little on the flight, to make up for the lack of sleep he’d had during the night. He woke five hours later and the knowledge that it would be weeks before he saw either of them hit him hard. He closed his eyes again and tried to ignore the ache in his chest.

 

~

 

It was five hours after James had left, and Thomas had given up on pretending to work. He lay on the couch with his head in Miranda’s lap. She stroked his hair with one hand while she read.

He tried to hold in his mind the feel of James’ hand in his, the last point of contact before he got on the plane. James had excellent hands, Thomas thought. He closed his eyes to try to remember the feeling of them a little better.

Moving on from their last touch, Thomas recalled the last kiss (soft and gentle in the back of the car, following a harder, more passionate kiss), their last embrace (clinging tightly to James, joking that he couldn’t get in a  plane if Thomas didn’t let him  out of bed ) and then the last taste of James  (James panting, flushed and moaning under neath him) . James,  thought Thomas, had the sweetest taste of anyone  he’ d ever loved. 

It was only when Miranda’s hand brushed his cheek that Thomas realised that he was crying. He opened his eyes and looked up at her. She bent down and gently kissed his forehead. 

“We’ll be with him before we know it,” she said. 

“Are we sure that it’s going to take us four weeks to get what we need to do done?”

“You know we need to sail out from Kodiak with the Jaeger,” said Miranda. “I’m sorry my darling.” 

Thomas sighed.

Miranda resumed stroking his hair. She began to read aloud to him.

“The light spread until the patch of Dark Thing had vanished, and there was only a gentle shining, and through the shining came the stars, clear and pure...”

“ _He’s going to be under different stars to us,”_ thought Thomas. _“Will the southern constellations be able to keep him safe?”_

 

~

 

James struggled to hide his impatience with the people around him. After all, it wasn’t their fault that they weren’t Thomas and Miranda. 

“ _Five days,”_ he told himself. _“Five days until they arrive.”_

He didn’t know how he’d made it through the last few weeks. At first the time had felt like an eternity. In some ways, that made it easier. Travelling through the dark without a light at the end stopped him realising how long it had been since he last held the two of them, or even breathed the same air as them.

When he’d arrived he had also been busier. The base had been a chaotic construction site and he’d had to work himself to exhaustion just to get it anywhere close to orderly. Now, all they could do was wait for the ship bringing over the Jaeger. Unfortunately, it also meant that Miranda and Thomas were out of contact until the ship arrived.

So with no contact and with little to do, James was at a loose end. He signed the few papers people brought his way and went outside.

He stood on the beach looking up at the night sky. The stars were different here, as was the weather. The heat was sticky, even at this time of night. But if he closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the waves against the shore, and smelled the salt, he could pretend to be back in Cornwall.

“ _By now,”_ he thought. _“The ship has passed the Equator. Thomas and Miranda will be under the same stars.”_

That thought gave him the strength to open his eyes again and once more stare at the sky.

 

~

 

Thomas was trying to distract himself with whatever he could. He was so tired of missing James and he didn’t think he’d ever hated the ocean as much as he did now. Well, he’d never before hated the ocean. Not until James went away.

Now though, he blamed it for taking James from him. If there weren’t any oceans, there might not be any Kaiju. No Kaiju, no Jaegers, no need to set up this base in the Pitacairn Islands so that Britain could remind everyone that “Hey look, we still own land in the Pacific and are an important world power”. If there weren’t any oceans he wouldn’t be stuck on this boat.

Miranda tried to help distract him. Thomas knew that she was as impatient and frustrated by the distance as he was.

They read together, both for work and for pleasure. Sitting in the room they shared on the ship they’d read any interesting passages aloud. Or sometimes if they simply needed to break the silence and remind themselves that they weren’t entirely alone. It helped a little. At the moment however, it was just a painful reminder that a piece of their relationship was missing.

So they tried studying the map instead. Together they sat and held hands, watching the tiny dot of their ship move closer to the tiny dot of Pitcairn.

“Soon,” Miranda whispered in his ear as they stood on deck together, hand in hand.

“Soon,” he told her while they watched over the enormous metal structure that was about to stand between the world and its invaders.

“Soon,” they said, holding each other tightly in bed, trying not to think about the fact there was too much room in it.

And standing across the ocean, staring at the sea and the stars, a red-haired man in a naval uniform whispered to the night.

“Soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets dedicated to my mother who found me the perfect book for Miranda to be reading when I was rifling through her bookshelves looking for something "with stars and maths in it" and suggested A Wrinkle in Time. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always loved, even if they're comments telling me that I'm using way too many obscure Pacific Rim facts to build this world...
> 
> Coming next chapter! The name of their Jaeger! It's a terribly obvious UK cliche about dragons (which probably gives it away by now you need to read to find out :p )


	4. Dusty Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in the middle of the night  
> We fight for honour and for glory and for love.  
> And there is little hesitation  
> As we build our little nation from above  
> This story's just begun

**September**

It was James’ turn in the middle, and on one hand, this meant he lay in the dip where they’d pushed two mattresses together on the floor. On the other hand, he had both his lovers beside him and he was warm and comfortable.

Miranda was running her fingers through his hair and humming softly. He couldn’t place the song, but it sounded like a lullaby.

Thomas had taken James’ right hand and sat facing him, cross-legged, the hand in his lap and James’ palm facing upwards.

 

“This line,” said Thomas, marking the place he meant with a kiss. “Means that you’re going to live until you’re 100 and never lose your beautiful hair.”

Miranda laughed and gave James’ hair a tug at that, before continuing to run her hands through it.

“Really?” asked James.

“Oh yes,” said Thomas. “This is all highly scientific.”

“Well in that case, continue.”

 

“This next line, is your love line.”

“And what does that say?” asked James.

“It says that you will fall in love with not one, but two people. And the way the line merges back into one proves that all three will have truly excellent sex.”

“And you can really see all that from my hand?” asked James. “While inferring none of it from the truly excellent sex we just had?”

“Like I said, it’s highly scientific!”

“Absolutely,” said Miranda. “As the scientist in the room, I can confirm that Thomas is telling the truth."

“Mmm,” said James, raising his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Shhh,” said Miranda, kissing his temple.

 

“And because,” continued Thomas. “Your index finger is shorter than your fourth finger, I predict that you’re going to save the world, and live happily ever after with your two lovers, and retire to somewhere in...” He frowned and turned James’ hand over. “Hmmm, Cornwall.”

“Why Cornwall?” asked James.

“Well,” said Thomas. “Other than it showing in the way your knuckles crease, I think because it clearly is full of nothing but wonderful people.”

“Is that so?”

“Based on the only person I know from Cornwall, yes.”

Miranda turned a laugh into a cough and muttered something about sample sizes into James’ shoulder.

“And what will we all do in Cornwall?”

“We’re going to live happily ever after, I just said. But specifically, there will be an enormous library, and you can have a little boat to take us out in, and Miranda can have a piano in a room overlooking the ocean. And we’ll eat pasties, and watch Poldark and...” He trailed off and frowned, trying to think.

James pushed himself up, and pulled his hand back so that he was resting on his elbows.

“You know literally nothing about Cornwall,” he told Thomas, his voice teasing. “They’ll throw you out within days.”

“Mining!” Thomas said triumphantly and then kissed James quickly to prevent him from voicing further objections to the plan.

 

**October**

The first fight was broadcast all over the world, courtesy of the BBC team who had been in the Pitcairns to interview Thomas and James.

St George was a large Mark-2 Jaeger. One of its arms came to a long point, as near as they could get to a lance. The UK had decided that if they were going to attempt to inspire patriotism, they may as well go all out. The other arm was fitted with a more standard plasma cannon.

There were obvious objections from the Irish, the Scottish and the Welsh, as well as hundreds of others who complained it was in poor taste. But at the end of the day, St George had been built to kill dragons and the name stuck.

 

The Kaiju, code name Draco, was named for the same reason. The fact that it looked more like a crab with several long tentacles and a gaping central mouth was overlooked.

“ _They have no imagination,”_ despaired Thomas in the privacy of the drift. _“Clearly this is Scylla.”_

The full moon and the lights of the helicopters reflected off St George’s silver armour. The tentacles and limbs of the Kaiju flicked in and out of view, hiding in the shadows and the waves. It was all perfectly cinematic for the cameras.

 

The UK held its collective breath. This was their chance to help save the world.

Three children huddled around a phone, socks in hands and toast forgotten. Normally they’d be told off for running late for school, but today their mother was in the kitchen, eyes wide as she watched her own phone.

As St George tore off one of the tentacles and threw it aside a packed Manchester bus gave a collective cheer.

An exhausted shift-worker winced at the shrill noise the Kaiju made, but muted his TV and kept watching, unable to sleep until the fight was done.

 

All over the world, day or night, they watched.

Finally it was over, the Kaiju neatly pierced by the lance and then blown apart with St George’s cannon.

And Britain ensured that despite being nowhere near the Pacific Ocean, it would have a say in this fight.

 

**November**

“I liked this plan better last night,” grumbled a sleepy Thomas as they drove down to the dock.

James and Miranda laughed at him.

“Surely,” said Miranda. “You must have realised that in order for James to take us out sailing all day, we needed to get up at the _beginning_ of the day?”

“I can always turn the car around,” suggested James. “We could go back to bed and forget the whole thing.”

“No!” said Thomas. “You promised!”

“Darling,” said Miranda. “You are my dear husband and very clever, and I love you very much, but you turn into a five year old child if you have to get up before nine.”

“It’s the staying up until three reading that does it,” said James.

“Or the waking up in the middle of the night because he remembered a point he wanted to use in an argument.”

“Yes, thank you,” said Thomas.

They laughed at him some more.

 

Later, when the ship was moored out near one of the smaller islands, it did indeed prove to be worth the early morning.

James sat and dangled his feet in the water while Miranda rubbed sunscreen into his back.

“Not that your freckles aren’t beautiful,” she told him. “But I won’t have you burning if we can help it.”

He tilted his head back and kissed her.

Thomas, not to be forgotten and already swimming, came over and started kissing James’ legs.

“If you don’t both get in soon,” he said. “I’ll have to get out.”

Miranda answered this by standing and stepping off the boat, neatly jumping into the waves with barely a splash.

James took one final moment before he joined them. The sun shone overhead, he tasted salt on his lips and there was the sound of the two people he loved most in the world laughing and happy. For a moment, the monsters were nowhere to be found.

 

** December **

“Can the next one attack during the day?” asked Thomas, yawning and rubbing his eyes as they made their way to St George. “I’d only just gotten to sleep.”

“It’s four in the morning,” said James. “It’s only off by a few hours.”

“Ugh.”

Drifting helped. James was able to share what sleep he’d had with Thomas. Now they both felt only somewhat exhausted.

 

_Staying up late cramming for exams…_

_Night watches staring at the pitch black sea and a dark sky, longing for bed…_

_Curled up warm in the blankets and each other’s arms, drifting off to sleep…_

 

Clearly they were still both very tired.

 

This Kaiju was given the name of Ichthys. At least this one looked like a fish. Well, if a fish had a lower jaw that extended out and down into a tooth covered spiral and had six strong fins.

 

“ _Thank goodness New Zealand named this one on its way to us,”_ Thomas thought to James. _“Or we would have watched them struggle to come up with other ways to say dragon.”_

“ _Drake.”_

“ _Wyvern.”_

“ _Lindworm.”_

“ _Scaly green monster.”_

 

Then they reached the Kaiju and conversation ceased. Instead they fought, adrenaline shaking off the last remnants of exhaustion. Their thoughts curled around each other in silence and soon neither of them would have been able to say where they ended and the other began.

 

** January **

I t had been a particularly tense drift session. Not that it had gone poorly. And it had only been a training exercise, they hadn’t even needed to fight anything.

But one of them had thought about kissing  Miranda , and then the whole drift had gotten more and more suggestive and well, now here they were.

Sat in a briefing room waiting impatiently to be dismissed. The drift hangover wasn’t helping. 

 

James kept his eyes firmly fixed on the wall behind Admiral Hennessey’s head, but he knew what Thomas was thinking. Because he could still feel it in his brain. It was distracting to say the least. 

“ _Shhhh,”_ James tried to think at Thomas. _“We should be listening to this.”_

The image he got in reply was a him being ridden into Thomas’ bunk by Miranda while Thomas kissed her neck from behind.

 

James could feel his face turning bright red. He also knew that Thomas wanted nothing more than to follow that flush down under James’ collar with his tongue.

 

An eternity later the meeting was done. They  only made it as far as the lift before Thomas pushed James into the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is currently chaos but I'm hoping to get this all finished by the time uni starts so I promise I'm working on it! Comments and kudos are loved as always! What do you all think? What are you enjoying most?
> 
> As always I'm also on Twitter @the_haikubandit


	5. Sad For The Weather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We'll sit and tell stories  
> As long as we're able  
> I'll cry, then you'll cry  
> We'll all cry together

For once, James and Miranda had convinced Thomas to come to bed early. Well, more like bribed really. And then they’d exhausted him until he fell asleep with them, Miranda on one side and James on the other. So when Thomas’ phone rang shortly after midnight it woke all three of them.

Thomas frowned at it bleary eyed and then turned white, his face going blank. He murmured apologies and extricating himself from the pile of sleepy limbs left to take the call.

“Fuck,” said Miranda.

James looked at her.

“It’s his father,” she said. “That face he made.”

“Oh,” said James. “Fuck.”

James had never met the Earl, and he knew that Thomas avoided thinking about him in the drift. Not to purposely shelter James, but because Thomas would always avoid thinking of his father where possible.

But James knew enough and he knew that this phone call was a very bad thing. Even if he hadn’t, Thomas and Miranda’s reactions would have confirmed it for him. Christ, but he’d never seen Thomas look so scared. And they fought giant alien monsters together for a living.

 

When Thomas returned, Miranda handed him a cup of strong, sweet tea and sat him down. James stood, unconsciously falling into parade rest. He often did when he was anxious, the familiar stance calming him down.

Miranda wouldn’t let Thomas speak until the tea was finished. Eventually he put down the cup with shaking hands.

“He’s coming to visit next week,” said Thomas, not bothering to say who _he_ was. Thomas knew that they both knew.

“Business or personal?” asked Miranda.

“Business,” said Thomas. “What else?”

She gently squeezed his shoulders, her face a mirror to the anxious look on his.

“As one of the principle private investors in this venture, he is coming to inspect his Jaeger, and ensure operations are running at peak efficiency.”

“We’ve got good test scores,” said James. “And the two kills we’ve made were clean and quick. He shouldn’t be able to fault us.”

Thomas smiled, but there was no humour in it.

“Oh I’m sure he could find a reason if he wanted to. But no, it’s not us that I’m worried about.”

“The research?” asked Miranda.

“The research,” Thomas confirmed.

 

And there it was. The danger that the Earl posed to them all.

Thomas Hamilton was a very smart man, and even if he hadn’t been, it was obvious that the Earth needed a much more long term solution than the Jaeger program. All it would take was one loss for hundreds or thousands of casualties.

Every base had a research team. Some focused on building better Jaegers, some on closing the breach, and some on biological research. In theory, their focus was the biological. It was what Miranda was there for.

“A wall,” Thomas had said to James, while they were still in London. “Around the Pacific, in key areas.”

“You want to build a wall around the ocean?”

“Not all of it,” said Thomas. “Just the major cities. As a safeguard should a Jaeger be defeated. Think of it as an addition to the evacuation shelters.”

“We don’t even know that the shelters would stop a Kaiju,” said James. “Not if it really wanted to break through.”

“And that’s why we need to test it,” said Thomas. “If we assemble a team of engineers, physicists, material chemists, and even biologists, we should be able to come up with an option to stop them. And with computer modelling we can even plan for category five, or even ten, Kaiju!”

“That’s a lot of work,” said James. “And a lot of money. Some people might argue that it’s better invested elsewhere.”

“One day,” said Thomas. “Maybe not tomorrow, or next year, but one day, a Jaeger will fail. And people will die. But if we have an option to stall the Kaiju until other teams can be deployed to the area, it could save millions of lives. How many people still live in Los Angeles? Or Singapore? Or Lima?”

“Less every day,” James had replied.

 

At the moment the UK didn’t want to be seen saying that the Jaegers would fail. Nor did anyone else. The Jaegers were the shining beacons of humanity, their pilots rock-stars and gods. And the governments who controlled them had a great deal of power.

So the research had been set up carefully, most of the funding invested by Thomas himself. But in the end the Earl would see it as family money wasted at best. At worst he would spin it as a betrayal of the UK or the world.

 

The three of them got very little sleep for the rest of the night. Miranda excused herself around two and went down to the lab to organise her research.

“If I can downplay the focus,” she said. “It might help. I’ve been working with a colleague in Germany on chemical reagents to break down the tissue into non-toxic substances. I can call him now. I’ll work on that until your father arrives.”

 

James lay awake and watched Thomas doze, fitfully slipping in and out of nightmares. Each time Thomas awoke in tears, James held him and they wept together.

“I hate it,” whispered Thomas. “That he still has the power to upset me like this. I hate him.”

James stroked his back gently.

“And worse than that,” said Thomas, through tears. “I hate that he has the power to do more than upset me. He could take you away, or hurt you, or hurt Miranda. He could tear apart everything we have.”

James couldn’t promise him that they’d be safe, but he felt that he could promise that Thomas he wouldn’t be alone. So he whispered that over and over into Thomas’ ear.

In the end when dawn came and they could reasonably wake and go about their day it was a relief.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's were it starts to to get sad folks! But I promise that I've got a happy ending planned!


	6. Swollen Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it hurts this much  
> You keep it and hold it  
> And I’ll wish you luck  
> If you’d kill for it  
> Really kill for it, be careful  
> It might kill you back.

“So,” said Thomas. “I need you to talk me out of something.”

“Okay,” said James. “What do I need to talk you out of?”

“I’m going to tell my father the truth about what we’re doing here. Because I think we need to make our research as public as we can. It’s the only way to get it implemented.”

“I can see why I need to talk you out of this.”

“I’m serious James!” Thomas turned to face him. “There’s a limit to the resources we can access while we’re keeping this private. And if I’m not brave enough to face my father for the sake of the world, then what will I face him for?”

“This is about more than your father,” said James. “This idea is a good idea, but it’s not one that anyone is going to want to invest in or implement. Because doing that is as good as saying the only line of defence we have is weak and is going to fail. No government is going to agree to it.”

“It’s going to save lives! Since when was it a bad idea to have a contingency plan?”

“It’s the same reason they won’t implement a full evacuation program of all coastal cities,” said James. “It’s expensive, takes money and research away from the Jaeger program and isn’t even guaranteed to work.”

 

They argued points back and forth until Miranda found them. 

“He’s here,” she said. “We’ve been invited to his guest rooms for dinner.”

She looked at James. 

“He wants you there as well.”

James turned to Thomas.

“As your navy liaison, let me say that this plan is risky and unlikely to have a positive outcome. As your friend, your drift-partner and as someone who loves you, I’m asking you, please, keep this private.”

“I’m sorry,” was all Thomas said. 

 

~

 

The dinner did not go well. 

In all fairness to Thomas, he was persuasive and elegant, logically counteracting all Alfred’s arguments.

In all fairness to Miranda, she stayed silent as Alfred Hamilton disparaged her work, her opinion and her character.

And in all fairness to James, if he had been able to stand by and let people attack those he loved, he would not have been who he was.

 

_~_

 

In the wake of Alfred Hamilton’s departure Thomas stared at James as though he was seeing him for the first time.

“James,” he said. “Did you just order my father out of his own rooms?”

“I-” James’ voice failed him for a moment as what he’d done sank in. “I don’t care what people say about you, you are a good man and somebody should defend that.”

Thomas let out a shaky laugh and pulled James in for a kiss.

 

“Darlings,” said Miranda. “While I am truly in awe of what James just managed to do, perhaps we should leave before your father realises what happened?”

“Fine,” said Thomas. “But please know that it’s only because I don’t want to sully our sex by having it in that man’s room. Actually...”

“No,” said James. “But we are taking that whiskey. I haven’t had anything this good since the rationing kicked in.”

 

So with their stolen bottles they made their way back to Thomas and Miranda’s room. Miranda walked between them.

“If I don’t,” she said. “We won’t make it to the rooms and then you’ll get sacked for gross indecency.”

“Spoilsport,” Thomas muttered to her.

 

As soon as they were safe behind closed doors Thomas kissed James with all the ferocity of a hurricane.

“That,” he gasped between kisses. “Was the best thing that has ever happened while I was in the vicinity of my father.”

James only just managed to put down the whiskey before Thomas dropped to his knees before him.

 

~

 

Hindsight was an awful thing. And if James had been able to stop himself maybe things would have gone differently. But as always his need to defend those he loved had overcome all his practicality.

The day after Alfred Hamilton’s departure he and Thomas were called in for medical scans. James was given an all clear.

Thomas, well, Thomas was kept late by the doctors.

 

After three hours James had taken to pacing while Miranda bit her fingernails. It was a habit she’d long thought left behind in childhood.

When Thomas came out of the room his face was grey.

 

“They say that they’ve found abnormalities in my brain chemistry,” he said. “That look like they were caused by strain in the drift. Something about forced compatibility?”

“What?” asked James, his voice hoarse.

“Are you alright?” asked Miranda.

“I, I don’t know. I don’t know what this means.”

 

Miranda took his hand and they went back into the room.

“I’m his _wife,_ ” she firmly told the doctor. “I would like an explanation of what’s going on.”

James was left in the corridor and resumed his anxious pacing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long! It just didn't want to happen... But I hope that it worked out ok!


	7. O Jordan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what that kind of lonely looks like  
> I'm not sure what that kind ugly feels like  
> I'm not sure what that kind of poison feels like  
> When it's travelling travelling travelling  
> Unravelling your veins

The shock of Thomas’ diagnosis meant that they didn’t notice the looks that they were getting. People whispered as they passed, from the medical staff to the navy officers. But for Thomas, James and Miranda the world had shrunk to a curtained bed in the medical ward.

The first time they noticed was days later when one of the nurses came in and whispered to the doctor. He frowned and left with her. When he came back he sent Miranda and James from the room.

“I need to speak to my patient in private.”

“Anything you can say to me, you can say to them,” said Thomas. He sat on the bed, pale in his hospital gown. He looked exhausted. The drugs they had started him on made him sleep constantly, and when he was awake he usually didn’t know where he was. But he always knew who James and Miranda were.

“I really must insist,” said the doctor.

Something about the way he looked at them made Miranda’s toes curl.

“We’ll wait outside,” she said.

“It may be some time,” said the doctor. “And I’m afraid that we have nowhere for you to properly wait.”

“Fine,” said Miranda, through gritted teeth. “We shall go get some lunch. Please, ensure that we are called as soon as possible.”

“Of course,” said the doctor. He looked her up and down with a leer. “Please, enjoy your… lunch.”

 

On edge from the doctor Miranda didn’t know if she was imagining how people looked at her and James or if it was real.

And then Peter found them, picking at  their  food in the mess hall.

“You need to see this,” he said. 

“See what?” asked James. 

Peter handed over a tabloid. The front cover featured a picture of James and Miranda together, hand in hand. With a sickening feeling in her stomach Miranda opened it to the article. 

“Thomas Hamilton suffers brain injury after learning of wife’s affair!”

And there were more p hotos . The little kisses and touches that they’d shared in public. Some when they thought that they were being careful, some when they’d been unable to care fully what people thought. And some when they hadn’t realised people were able to see, private photos of the two of them. 

“ _Well,”_ thought Miranda. _“At least that explained the staring.”_

“What is it?” James asked her. 

She didn’t want to show him the article. It felt cruel.

“They’re saying that Thomas is sick because he discovered our affair in the drift. And that the shock has permanently damaged his brain.”

“ _Our_ affair?”

“It doesn’t seem that they have the full story.”

“But, that can’t be what’s happened.”

Miranda closed the magazine and pushed it back to Peter.

“I know,” she said, taking James’ hand. She pointedly ignored the staring and whispers that followed, but it seemed that James was now aware of them. He pulled his hand away.

 

They sat in silence for some time.

“Ranger McGraw?” A uniformed private stood over the table. Her face was held very carefully blank.

“Yes?” asked James, looking up.

“The Admiral asks that you report to his office. Immediately.”

He stood and opened his mouth to speak.

“I’ll meet you back in medical,” Miranda told him. “Good luck.”

He nodded and left.

“I can come with you if it helps,” said Peter. “A friendly face and all of that.”

“Thank you,” said Miranda. 

 

James wa s shown  into the Admiral’s office. 

“Sir,” he said. “You asked to see me?”

“Lieutenant,” said Hennessey. “I understand that you are to blame for your co-pilot’s condition.”

“Sir,” said James. “I don’t know what the tabloids think they know but I promise you, Thomas knew long before he and I ever drifted together and...”

He stopped as Hennessey held up a hand.

“I have no interest in the tabloids,” he said. “I’m talking about what really happened.”

He turned his screen to face James who looked directly into the eyes of Alfred Hamilton.

“You think I didn’t know?” asked the Earl. “What you were doing under my roof in London? What you continued to do as a liaison to _my_ family?”

“I -” James looked to Hennessey.

“What you and Lord Hamilton have been doing,” said Hennessey. “What you have pressured him into doing -”

“ _Pressured_ him into doing?”

“My son,” said the Earl. “Was married. To a woman who I by no means thought faithful, but still a woman.”

“Your,” Hennessey’s face looked as though he’d tasted something sour. “Desires, have clearly affected him, due to the drift.”

“I’m sorry,” said James. “Are you saying that my drifting with Thomas has turned him gay?”

“Unintentional as it may be,” said Hennessey. “This is the only apparent reason for his current condition.”

“Sir,” said James. “I never, you have to know that this isn’t what...”

“We cannot allow such a thing to continue,” interrupted the Earl. “Thomas will be taken to London for the best medical care possible.”

“And you James,” said Hennessey. “You are dismissed from service with the navy. For conduct unbefitting an officer. You will be permitted to stay and work here until a replacement piloting team is found.”

“Dismissed?” asked James, numb with shock. Then the second part of what Hennessey said sank in. “Who will I drift with in the meantime?”

“Well,” said the Earl. “There’s always that whore my son married.”

He disconnected the call at that,  before James could react. It was probably for the best.

Dimly through his rage and shock he heard Hennessey telling him that he would need to hand in his uniform and collect a new ID badge. All he could think was that he had to see Thomas and Miranda.

 

When he finally got to the medical  ward he was too late. 

“He’s gone,” said Miranda. “They took him while we were sent away.”

“We can go,” said James. “We’ll go to London and stay with him.”

“They won’t let us,” said Miranda. “And because of what happened they won’t let me near him. Alfred’s had him sectioned.”

“He can’t be alone,” said James. “I promised him that he wouldn’t be alone.”

“Peter’s gone after him,” she said. “He’s going to call us and let us know what’s happening. He said he’ll keep us updated.”

“We’ll get him back,” said James. “He’s going to get better and we’ll get him back. And then we’re going to leave this island and leave England and all of it.”

Miranda said nothing and they walked  outside and  down to the sea together hands held so tightly it hurt. They stared out at the  ocean and knew that somewhere, far over the waves, the man they loved was trapped and alone. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are loved as always, I hope that you're all enjoying this even though it's getting sad!


	8. Celluloid Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though torn around the edge and faded at the sides  
> She looks to the horizon to where her lover died  
> She cries the tears of ages and ancient wounded pride  
> Then dips her little toe in to keep the cold alive

Thomas died in London late in the night. When Peter called to give them the news it was only a little after 4pm. Miranda had been carrying out a dissection, and had removed her gloves and coat but in her haste to take the call she’d left on her lab goggles.

The moment Miranda saw Peter’s face she knew what had happened. She refused to let him speak at first, putting the call on mute until James arrived. She closed her eyes and tried desperately to savour the last few moments where her husband could still be alive.

“ _Maybe,”_ she thought. _“If I don’t hear him say it, it won’t happen.”_

James arrived only a few minutes after she did, rushing to her quarters from the  combat room. His hair was tied back and his face was flushed. He’d been spending most of his time training since Thomas had been taken. Miranda wondered if he thought he could physically fight Thomas’ illness. Or maybe he was simply trying to beat back his fear and guilt. 

J ames also knew what had happened. She saw it in his eyes. There could be no more delaying hearing the words.

With shaking hands Miranda forced herself to unmute the call.

“Miranda,” said Peter. “James. I’m so sorry.”

It was at this moment that Miranda realised she was still wearing her lab goggles. They fogged up with her tears and she removed them. Her chest shook with silent sobs. She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t make a sound.

Miranda looked at James and saw his face, blank. She didn’t know if it was the shock or if he was trying not to show what he was feeling. She didn’t want to ask in front of Peter.

“He passed away about ten minutes ago,” Peter continued. “I hope that it’s of some comfort to know that he went peacefully at the end.”

Miranda still hadn’t taken her eyes off of James’ face. She saw the blank look change to anger at those words and was sure that her face must be doing something similar.

 

Thomas had now been taken from them for a third time.  First they had lost him to his illness. His mind slowly slipping away until the beautiful man they loved was trapped in his own failing body. Forever being medicated or taken for scans or treatments, even the few moments when he was lucid they barely had time to see him. 

Secondly, they had lost him when his father had taken him to London and institutionalised him, pulling legal manoeuvrers that denied them any access. So now, when death had taken him for the final time, he had been alone and far away.

In the light of everything, what comfort could they find in Peter’s words of him being at peace? How could he have been at peace so alone?

Neither Miranda nor James  could say anything to Peter. In the end, he disconnected and told them that he’d call again tomorrow. When he was gone, Miranda grabbed James and they clung together as though they were drowning. 

N either of them slept that night.

 

When dawn came, Miranda freed herself from James’ desperate grip. She walked barefoot through the base until she reached the ocean. The Pacific, the root cause of all their grief.

She stepped over the sand towards the waves. Past the soft, powder dry, white sand, past the shells, seaweed and general detritus of the high tide mark. When she was ankle deep in the water she stood and screamed with grief and rage.

Only when the tide had brought the water to her knees and she’d screamed herself hoarse did she make her way back inside.

She had promised Thomas that they would take care of each other. This was where it began.

 

~

 

It took six months after Thomas’ death for the British government to abandon and sell what remained of its Jaeger program. James and Miranda only fought together once during that time. They drifted together a handful more times than that. They never did bother to replace James.

Through a series of deals, they ended up in Sydney. Miranda wasn’t surprised that he wanted to keep fighting. She wanted to keep fighting. But sharing their minds had exponentially multiplied their grief. She knew that if they were to continue they would drag each other down. So though it took her everything she had, she would not pilot with him again.

Despite not being married, and only having been officially in a relationship a short while the Sydney Shatterdome managed to arrange a partner visa for her. James was a good pilot, and he had only accepted the posting on the condition that she went where he did.

With his skill, it was hard for the Guthries to deny him anything. And so when Miranda discovered that Alfred Hamilton and his latest partner were staying in Sydney, James arranged a training exercise.

 

When it was done Miranda drove south to a secluded beach that she was becoming more and more familiar with. While the sun set she stood on the beach and wept.

She wept for Thomas, and for who they had become in his absence. She wept for the world, slowly being destroyed by monsters. She did not weep for Alfred Hamilton.

The cold waves washed over her feet and helped remind her that she was alive, giving her the strength to continue. Miranda had never been tied to the ocean the way that James was, but she knew without it she would have struggled to keep going.

Perhaps, she thought, it was because of James the ocean gave her its strength. Why would the ocean choose to claim him if it didn’t love him, even a little? Maybe the ocean kept her feeling and living so that she could pass its love onto him.

 

~

 

It had been over a year since Miranda had last visited the ocean. At first she had gone constantly. Then, she went for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. The times when she needed him most. But she’d stopped needing the ocean in the same way.

Standing on the sand today all she could feel was the threat that it had become. It was no longer her link to Thomas and the underworld, now it just reminded her of the monsters in its depths.  She’d lost count of the number of hours that she’d waited at home, praying to any god who would listen for James’ safe return. Each time he came back, she could feel that he’d slipped a little further away from her. 

“I’m sorry,” she said to the waves, and to Thomas’ ghost, somewhere beyond them. “I can’t lose both of you. And if that means he needs to stop fighting and go far, far away from the Pacific then so be it.”

When she arrived back home, Miranda send two emails.

The first was to Eleanor Guthrie, asking about the possibility of setting up a biological research program now that her father could no longer object.

The second email she sent to Captain Bryson. She asked him to pass on a message to her old family friends in Boston.

One way or another, Miranda would no longer be trapped at home waiting for the news to tell her if James was safe. She’d had enough of that. They would do this together or not at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this brings us up to date with the present times in As You Go Down for Your Gold! The final four chapters will be new and hopefully exciting!


	9. Without Exit Strategy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This body's mine  
> I like it fine  
> You've left behind  
> A love of wine  
> A lack of time

The first drift hangover that James and Thomas experience is a confused mix of fear, relief and sex. They’re both nervous about the possibility of their feelings being unrequited and so relieved when they meet in a crash of love and lust that they barely notice it. It always helps when they feel similar things coming out of a drift.

It’s only after the fourth drift that they realise that it’s happening. Drift hangovers, ghost drifting, whatever people want to call it, is always downplayed by the medical staff. Perhaps they don’t want to scare people into thinking the drift will destroy who they are as individuals.

James loves it. He loves that in addition to learning Thomas’ body he gets to learn his mind. And in addition to marking Thomas’ body, or having Thomas mark his body, they also leave a mental claim on each other.

 

“You do realise that you’re drinking tea without milk?” asked Miranda.

“Yes?” said James.

“I’ve always seen you drink it with milk,” she said.

He frowned in confusion.

“I don’t, oh, no, I do.”

“What’s happening?” asked Thomas, a mug in his hand.

“And you’re drinking tea with milk,” said Miranda, laughing.

“That’s disgusting slander,” said Thomas. “I’ve never done that in my life!”

“Look down, darling.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, that would be the tea that I made for James.”

Thomas looks at James in shock. James only grins at him and takes another sip from Thomas’ mug.

 

~

 

James struggled to find time to read these days. Well, that wasn’t true. He struggled to become calm enough to sit and enjoy reading like he used to.

If he wasn’t training or drifting with Gates, he worked with the engineering team to ensure The Walrus was in the best shape she could be. He helped go over operations plans with Eleanor and argued with Vane. When he did have a moment of free time he’d visit Miranda. He knew that she needed more company than he gave her.

 

On this particular visit he found her reading, curled up in an armchair with a copy of Oscar and Lucinda and a pot of tea. She seemed at peace in a way that he missed seeing her feel. The kind of peace that he longed for.

So he sat down and joined her.

“You might enjoy this,” she said. She gave him a well read copy of Brideshead Revisited.

“I’ve always meant to read this,” said James.

“It’s sad,” she said. “But well written.”

“Why not?”

Perhaps a moment of quiet would give him what he needed.

 

He only got a few pages in before he stopped and frowned.

“I’ve read this,” he said.

“Have you?” asked Miranda.

“I must have, I remember reading this. It was when I was at school, at...”

James trailed off. That wasn’t his memory. He put down the book and walked outside for some air, slamming the door behind him.

Miranda didn’t follow him.

 

~

 

They so rarely celebrated together these days. Every holiday or achievement felt hollow without Thomas there to share it. But it was James’ third kill in Sydney, and the joy that Gates had sent him through the drift was contagious.

“Not going to celebrate with us Captain?” asked one of his crew, already tipsy.

“I’ve got a date,” he said.

 

It was an excuse to get out of the crew’s party at first, but on the drive to Miranda’s it felt more and more like the right thing to do. Even the peak hour traffic couldn’t dampen his mood.

She kissed him on the cheek as he entered.

“Let’s go out,” he said.

“Out?”

“How long has it been since we went to dinner somewhere?”

“Too long,” said Miranda. Her voice cracked slightly as she said it.

“Why don’t we go for dinner?” he asked her. “I’m sure that there’s a nice restaurant somewhere in this city.”

She kissed him again, on the lips this time.

“Let me get changed.”

 

They found a small Italian place in Enmore. It was a little bit of a drive but James had heard Eleanor say that it was good. She’d taken the girl she was seeing there.

The drive over was nice. The sun was just setting and it was a warm summer evening. They drove with the windows down and just enjoyed each others company.

But it couldn’t last. They didn’t get to have nice things any more.

 

James ordered wine for them without thinking. When he looked back at Miranda he saw her staring at him, face pale, tears running down her cheeks. She stood.

“I’ll be outside.”

James cancelled their order and joined her.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Why did you chose that wine?”

“What?”

“That wine, James.”

“I like that wine, it’s a good wine. I’m sorry, would you prefer something else?”

She looked down clenching, then slowly unclenching her hands.

“James,” she said, slower this time. “That was Thomas’ favourite wine. The wine that you always joked tasted exactly the same as any other.”

“I -”

His good mood had evaporated and he was left feeling like he was going to be sick.

“Let’s just go home,” said Miranda.

 

~

 

James rarely remembered his dreams. This may have been for the best.

In this particular dream he was in a forest. It was a distinctly English forest. The birds, plants, even the way the light shone through the leaves felt achingly familiar.

He looked down and saw that he was standing on a path. He knew that he needed to follow it.

After a long time, and also after no time at all he found himself at a fork in the path. Which way was he supposed to go?

 

“Which way do I go?” he asked. As soon as he spoke those words he heard laughter. He knew it was the forest laughing, although he couldn’t say how he knew.

“Well,” said a voice. “That depends on who you are.”

“I’m sorry?”

“One road will lead you to the sea. The other will lead you inland. But the road you need to take depends on who will be taking that road.”

Suddenly there was a signpost at the fork of the road, the words ὠκεανός and **γῆ** carved into the old wood. Or perhaps the signpost had been there all along and he was only just seeing it. At his feet there lay an oar.

 

An owl flew down and perched upon the signpost.

“You must take the oar,” it said. “But where you take it depends on who you are.”

“I’m myself,” said James. “Who else would I be?”

In the dream it felt that simple, although he hadn’t known who he was in years.

The owl looked at him.

“Πρὸς τί ποτε ἄρα νῦν χρῶμαι τῇ ἐμαυτοῦ ψυχῇ; παρʹ ἕϰαστα τοῦτο ἐπανερωτᾶν ἑαυτὸν, ϰαὶ ἐξετάζειν, τί μοί ἐστι νῦν ἐν τούτῳ τῷ μορίῳ, ὃ δὴ ἡγεμονιϰὸν ϰαλοῦσι; ϰαὶ τίνος ἄρα νῦν ἔχω ψυχήν;” said the owl.

James woke gasping for air and didn’t know why.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never been gladder for the semester spent studying Ancient Greek than I am at this moment! 
> 
> The signpost directs James to either Ocean or Land.
> 
> The text is from Meditations, and is "About what am I now employing my own soul? On every occasion I must ask myself this question, and inquire, what have I now in this part of me which they call the ruling principle? And whose soul have I now?" at least according to the George Long translation. (I desperately want to get my hand on the Emperor's Handbook which they use for the show but it's hard to get in Australia :'( ) Also I'm sorry for any errors in typing the Greek, I did my best but I'm very rusty!
> 
> I also recommend reading both Oscar and Lucinda and Brideshead Revisited!
> 
> Comments will make the hour I just spent juggling dictionaries and typing programs worth it, so please, tell me what you think!


	10. Green Paper Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The green fairy’s yelling  
> “Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink  
> Drink it down, drink it down”  
> Though the ship is sinking now  
> I’m not useful anyhow

Thom as didn’t know what day it was. He wasn’t even sure that he knew what year it was any more. He’d made himself lose track a long time ago, it was easier to live with himself if he could pretend it hadn’t  been  long. On days when he was more realistic he knew that between his greying hair and his ageing face it had been  years . 

It had been too long since he saw Miranda, too long since he saw James. It had been too long since he’d worn his own clothes, been free to chose what he wanted to do, or even eat food that didn’t come on a tray.

All he knew was that today they were being allowed outside. Whether this was because the doctors had decided that everyone could use some exercise, or because, for once the sun was actually shining Thomas wasn’t sure.

“Why don’t you take a nice brisk walk?,” said one of the nurses. She smiled at him encouragingly so Thomas started to do laps of the courtyard.

He tried to remember snippets of poems and books as he walked. They let him read in here, but only from an approved list. They weren’t allowed anything that might be upsetting, or exciting. And in the end, didn’t that rule out anything that made a person feel human?

Today, as on so many days that they were allowed outside it was Oscar Wilde that came to mind.

“I never saw a man who looked with such a wistful eye upon that little tent of blue which prisoners call the sky, and at every drifting cloud that went with sails of silver by.”

Not, of course, that this was a gaol. Everyone was always quick to remind Thomas that this was for his benefit, that his mind was damaged and he needed to get better. The fact that there seemed no way of telling what better was or when it would happen was conveniently ignored.

After too short a time they were led back inside. Or perhaps it had been all day. He’d lost track.

 

He’d thought that he might have been allowed to leave after his father died. Peter had come to visit and told him what had happened. An accident with a Jaeger during a training exercise, he’d said.

Thomas couldn’t bring himself to feel sad for his father, but he did shed a tear or two for the other victims. He guessed that there were other victims, Peter hadn’t said. At the very least the pilots would have had to live knowing that they’d taken a life. Thomas wished that he could reassure them that they’d done the world a favour.

But instead it was decided that the death of his father had clearly pushed him further into a state of mental distress, and so he was still here. He’d hoped that crying would have been seen as a normal reaction. If he hadn’t cried, they probably would have used that against him as well. Thomas didn’t know what they were being paid to keep him here but it was clearly a lot.

 

He’d shed a lot more than a few tears the spring before his father died. He’d still kept track of the seasons back then. That was when Peter told him Miranda and James were dead.

Thomas had been restrained after the news “for his own protection”. He’d screamed himself hoarse in a locked room, drugged and confused. When he had no more energy to scream he closed his eyes and tried to see their faces. But he’d failed, like he had at so many things. His lovers were lost to the sea and the monsters, and hidden from him by a thick fog of medication.

 

The last visit from Peter came shortly after the death of his father. Peter came to confess that he was the reason Thomas was imprisoned, and to beg his forgiveness.

Thomas had never wished to be someone else as much as he had in that moment. He wished that he was James. James would have been furious, his rage filling his entire being until it spilled over into the world in a tide of fire. He would have burned Peter to ash.

Thomas had felt that anger once, in the drift. He couldn’t remember what had caused it, it was likely some memory of his father. But it was the only time they’d been thrown out of alignment. Thomas hadn’t known what to do with that much rage. Afterwards James had been withdrawn, worried that he’d hurt Thomas. It took Thomas and Miranda a week of coaxing to pull him back from wherever he’d gone.

But Thomas wasn’t James, he wasn’t even Miranda with her wonderfully cutting wit and protective streak that ran a mile wide.

“Don't forget to forgive your adversaries,” Aurelius had written. Despite his failing memory Thomas remembered that much.

Thomas had spoken the words of forgiveness to Peter, but some nights, on the bad nights, he woke with those words on his tongue and they choked him. Mostly he didn’t care that much. Peter had been selfish and cowardly, but in his current state, so was he.

 

“Time for your medication Thomas,” said one of the nurses. He wore the same green scrubs as they all did.

Thomas took it willingly. The drugs numbing his thoughts.

 

When they thought the patients couldn’t hear the staff whispered of Kaiju attacks and dying pilots. They spoke of death, destruction and the end of the world. Thomas might have been useful once, long ago. Now all he was good for was swallowing the drugs they gave him. Saving the world would have to fall to someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Thomas is actually still alive! We're getting close to an end and I start uni in two days, so it will hopefully all be wrapped up before the chaos of classes take over my life.
> 
> Comments or kudos will bring me joy and the energy to do all my prereadings for uni!


	11. Ocean Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need the ocean today  
> This body is still warm  
> I can't keep the vultures at bay

The air in the conference room was tense, Flint, Silver and Madi on one side of the table, Rogers and Eleanor on the other. The tension wasn’t helped by what Rogers had just told them. In the end Silver broke the silence. 

“ Are you fucking kidding me?” said Silver. Flint  agreed with the sentiment.

“Mr Silver,” said Rogers. “I thought if anyone was going to support the plan, you would.”

“You want to shut down the Jaeger program and put us out of a job, oh, and risk the world in the process, and you thought that I’d support this?”

“The Jaeger program is no longer the most effective option we have,” said Rogers. “The Kaiju are winning, pilots are dying and the coastal wall is nearly complete. Surely after such a,” he paused and looked pointedly in the direction of Silver’s prosthetic, hidden under the table. “Personal cost. You would understand that there are safer options for everyone. We need to look to the future and leave behind this obsolete technology.”

Flint sat with his hands clenched into fists. It took every single ounce of control he had not to throw himself over the conference table and punch Rogers in his face.

 

His anger was interrupted by Rogers’ second in command who came into the room.

“A call for you from London,” said Berringer. “It’s urgent.”

“I won’t be a moment,” said Rogers.

They both left the room. Flint glared at Eleanor. She should have known better.

 

“So,” said Silver from his seat next to Flint. “Did you decide to betray the Jaeger program as revenge for being fired, or is the sex with Rogers just so good it melted your fucking brain? Surely a name with that much innuendo has to have some truth to it.”

“Fuck you,” said Eleanor.

“Oh I’ve got much better people to fuck,” said Silver.

“John,” said Madi, her tone caught between disapproving and amused.

Flint tuned them out as Silver and Eleanor continued to bicker. The world was coming to an end and he was surrounded by children.

He missed Miranda. But no, Peter fucking Ashe had to have her visa revoked. And she’d been too busy with her work to call recently. The last time Flint had spoken with her she’d said she was being posted somewhere new, it was classified, and she was so sorry but she had to go because the plane was about to leave.

 

Rogers came back in and sat down.

“Where were we?” he said. “Oh yes, the wall of life.”

“As someone who worked building the damn thing,” said Silver. “I object to the name. I saw enough people die building it. Oh, not to mention everyone the Kaiju will kill when they walk through it.”

“I’m so sorry you don’t like the name,” said Rogers. “It wasn’t me who chose it.” He looked at Flint and smiled. “In fact,” he continued. “I believe it was your former drift-partner Thomas Hamilton who...”

Flint stopped hearing anything else. He tasted bile and thought that he might be sick.

 

The Kaiju siren cut through his grief and rage.

“Well,” said Silver. “Not that this hasn’t been fucking awful, but your wall isn’t finished yet. So if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go save your lives in our, how did you put it? Oh yes! Obsolete technology.”

Madi was already on her phone getting a full report.

“Suit up and report to The Walrus,” she told them both, before heading off towards Ops.

 

Flint had never been more grateful for the chance to get in a Jaeger. He needed the simplicity of a fight like he needed air.

“Are you alright?” asked Silver, quietly.

“Fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, maybe because you look like a ghost? Possibly because that fuck just brought up Thomas...”

Flint pinned him against a wall before Silver could say another word.

“I. Am. Fine.”

Silver met his eyes coolly. Sometimes Flint missed the days when Silver had been afraid of him, it had been easier to shut him up.

“Sure you are,” he said. “Well in that case, we’d better go fight this thing.”

Flint let him go.

They made the rest of their way in silence.

 

“Everyone listening?” came Madi’s voice in their ears when they got their comms in.

“Yes,” said Flint.

“Yes,” said Silver, and Flint could hear his smile. He didn’t let himself think about how he wished Silver would speak to him with the same joy in his voice.

“We can hear you loud and clear,” said Rackham.

“Good,” said Madi. “Now, this Kaiju is a very large category three, so we will need both Jaegers to work fast, and together. It should be reaching Newcastle in the next hour.”

Flint tried to focus as she gave them the rest of the mission plan. They were buckled into The Walrus as she did so, the crew swarming around them and running checks.

And then finally the countdown came. He didn’t look over at Silver, he didn’t have to.

The drift washed over him like a wave.

 

_White hot rage at Rogers for daring to say Thomas’ name…_

_White hot rage at Rogers for daring to think he knew anything about what this fight had cost him…_

 

“Neural handshake steady,” said Madi.

 

_The feeling of love and relief that always came with hearing her voice…_

_The feeling of love and relief that had always come with hearing Thomas’ voice…_

 

Flint was glad that the two of them were happy together. Feeling their love second-hand in the drift was a rush. Silver hid his memories well, but the occasional flash Flint had seen wasn’t good. He deserved to be happy.

 

“So,” came Rackham’s voice over the comms. “Do we have a name yet?”

“The Kaiju does not yet have a designation,” said Madi. “Why?”

“Well, it’s always more fun if they have a name.”

“Delicia,” said Flint, to shut Rackham up more than anything else. He frowned, unsure where the name had come from.

“Because taking it down will be a fucking delight,” said Silver.

Ah, that was where it had come from.

“I feel like we can do better than that,” began Rackham before Madi cut him off.

“Delicia will do, everybody please focus on your roles.”

 

_A smug sense of satisfaction that Madi had chosen his side…_

_A smug sense of satisfaction knowing that Rogers hadn’t yet managed to shut them down…_

 

“L’Urca de Lima, Walrus, prepare for engagement.”

And then the fight was upon them and everything else was swept away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look it's new plot and a time jump! Because the song worked with it... At some point I might go back and fill out the gaps on Charleston, Eleanor being fired and Madi joining them, but for now I hope this makes sense and please know you can ask me questions in the comments if it doesn't!
> 
> Also the real reason for the Kaiju being Delicia is that it was Rogers' flagship. Thank you Silver for making it work...


	12. Dream of Waking Up I.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had a dream all about you  
> You held a gun to my head  
> With eyes of remorse  
> You said "well, of course  
> This is how is has to end

“We need to talk,” said Silver. “Before we drift next.”

Flint didn’t know what he expected the conversation to be about. Maybe Silver was ready to talk about his past, maybe too many of Flint’s own feelings had bled over in the drift. Maybe he’d once again stolen blueprints from a foreign government, who could tell with Silver?

Flint didn’t see this betrayal coming.

 

They stood together on a gantry, overlooking The Walrus.

“I made a deal with Rogers,” said Silver. “To close down the Shatterdome.”

“What?” asked Flint. He was too shocked to even be angry.

“You’ll be discharged and will have to leave the country. Madi will be free to stay, but obviously she won’t be working here any longer.”

“And what,” said Flint, mouth dry. “Does she have to say about this?”

Silver looked down at the Jaeger beneath them.

“I haven’t told her yet.”

Flint scoffed at that.

“Of course you haven’t. Because you know how she’s going to take it. How dare you?”

And oh, _there_ was his anger.

“How _dare_ you?” he continued. “Take this fight away from her? How dare you take this fight away from me? How dare you sacrifice the world for… for what? What the fuck is Rogers offering you that is worth the lives of seven billion human beings?”

Silver didn’t respond at first, simply looked down, his hands clenched.

“I can’t keep doing this,” he said. “I can’t keep wondering when I’m going to lose you. Or when I’m going to lose her.”

“So you do the one thing that’s guaranteed to push us both away?”

“I don’t care!” said Silver, his voice rising. “I don’t care if you hate me! I just care that you’ll be alive to do it!”

“For how long?” asked Flint. “How long do you think we’ll get before the Kaiju take over and we die regardless?”

“We’re all dying anyway,” said Silver. “Going out first won’t change that. And I’m through watching the people I care about die.”

“So you’d rather fade back into obscurity?” said Flint. “Go back to being nothing? Because that’s what you were. You were nothing, some person crawling on a useless wall. And then you became a pilot, and now the whole world knows your name. But after this? When the Kaiju come for us all, you’ll die knowing that you are once again nothing and no one, and that you gave up your one chance to have any meaning in this world.”

 

Flint expected Silver to swear at him after that, or tell him he was wrong. Instead Silver looked up and finally met his eyes.

“Thomas Hamilton is alive,” he said.

Flint stepped back as though Sliver had struck him.

“Thomas Hamilton is alive, and living in a private mental health facility in Scotland,” continued Silver. “I found out a month ago, but I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Flint, his voice so quiet and shaky he didn’t even know if Silver heard it over the sounds of the Shatterdome. But he must have.

“It’s true,” said Silver. “So now you can go to him, and tell Miranda, and the three of you can live happily together for as long as you can.”

“I -” but Flint didn’t know what to say, so he just shook his head and took another step back, body now pressed against the safety rail.

“This was always how it had to end,” said Silver. “You all belong together. And the world is beyond saving no matter what we do. So I’ll be the villain if it means you die with the people you love.”

Silver walked away before Flint could respond, leaving him gasping for air as his world crashed down around him.

 

~

 

Fate was cruel enough that it put them back into each other’s minds three days later. Flint had spent most of those days in his room in a daze. Miranda was still out of reach and he couldn’t process what Silver had told him alone. Hell, he still couldn’t believe it!

The Shatterdome was in chaos, most of their equipment having been bought by the PPDC and shipped to Hong Kong. The few remaining staff weren’t prepared for the Kaiju alert.

 

“Let the wall handle it,” said Rogers, from what was left of Ops. “This is what it exists for.”

“Prep everything,” was the message Madi sent on an encrypted channel. “We need to be ready for when wall fails.”

Rogers did at least agree to let the helicopter pilots fly out to get a closer look and report back. So when the Kaiju did break through the wall it was projected onto the screens for all to see.

“So much for that plan,” came Vane’s voice from his helicopter. “Are you going to send out the Jaegers or not?”

 

Then they were all running for the cockpits, suited up thanks to Madi’s message, ignoring the lack of orders from Ops. At this point it was simple self preservation. They either got those Jaegers out, or they died. Madi looked at Rogers, who was staring at the screen in horror as the Kaiju tore up the harbour.

“Well,” she said. “What a good thing that this didn’t happen tomorrow when we would have all left.”

“Get out,” said Rogers. “You have no place here any more.”

“Are you going to run this operation?”

“Out!”

Madi stood but made no further move to leave until Max burst into the room.

 

“There’s a fire in the science wing,” she said. “The gas lines have been damaged.”

“Come with me,” said Madi, not waiting for Rogers. She shouted orders to several people and walked so fast Max nearly had to run to keep up.

“I need to evacuate my staff,” said Max. “We’re not trained to fight fires or to fight Kaiju.”

“Get them to the lower levels, as far from the science wing as you can,” said Madi. “That should be the safest spot if the Kaiju reaches us. I’ll deal with everything else.”

She pulled out her phone.

“I need whoever can come to report to the science wing when you’ve seen the Jaegers deployed. We’ve got a fire.”

She heard running behind her but didn’t stop.

“Let me help,” said Eleanor. “I know this base better than anyone, including the layouts and locations of the fire safety equipment.”

“Fine,” said Madi. She didn’t have time to argue.

 

~

 

The Walrus got ready to launch long before L’Urca did. In Jack and Anne’s defence L’Urca had been fully deactivated for transport.

“Ops,” said Flint, fighting to ignore the ache in his mind where it rubbed against Silver. He knew their alignment stats couldn’t have been looking good.

“Ops, what are we doing?”

There was a long period of silence.

“Ops, somebody respond.”

“There’s nobody to fucking respond,” said an angry voice.

“Hands?” asked Silver.

“Who the fuck else would I be?”

 

_We’re fucked._

_And who’s fault is that?_

Flint and Silver both gave a cry as their already weak neural handshake wavered.

 

“Hands,” said Silver. “Can you at least point us in a direction?”

More silence.

“This is Billy,” came the reply. “We’re working off a laptop in the deployment bay, so give us a minute. Joji’s trying to set up a comms channel with Vane and L’Urca once they get underway.”

“Where the fuck is Madi?” asked Silver.

“Why is nobody in Ops?” asked Flint at the same time.

“Madi’s dealing with a situation,” said Billy. “And Rogers has shut us out of Ops. So we’ve locked him out of comms.”

“Nice one Joji,” said Flint.

 

There was another mental wrench.

“Get your shit together,” said Billy. “Your neural handshake is at 37% and falling.”

Flint forced himself to stay calm and tried to remember how it felt when Silver comfortably shared his mind. A safe memory, that’s what they needed.

 

_Sparring in the kwoon, the methodical clash of their sticks…_

He felt Silver’s mind relax and fall in with him.

_And step, and block, and step, and block…_

_And step, and strike, and step, and strike…_

“Better, you’re up to 70%,” said Billy. “Patching in Vane now.”

 

“Can you hear me?” came Vane’s voice.

“We can,” said Flint. “Which way do we go?”

“Fucking finally,” said Vane. “It’s come through the wall to the south, but it seems to be heading for the ‘Dome.”

“Understood.”

 

~

 

By the time L’Urca de Lima was up and running The Walrus had been fighting the Kaiju for an hour. Billy had decided to name it Lion. It did have a mane of sorts, but more the kind of thing you’d see on a frill necked lizard. Given the situation that they were in nobody particularly gave a shit.

“Leaving the ‘Dome now,” said Rackham into the comms.

“About time,” said Flint. He sounded exhausted.

“Jack, they’ve beaten the thing back into the sea,” said Vane. “Head to the south east and meet them there. We need to drive the fucker back beyond the miracle mile.”

“Follow the trail of smashed buildings and torn up roads until we get to the ocean, you don’t say!” said Jack.

“Fuck you Jack,” said Vane.

 

_Fuck you Jack!_

_Yes, thank you darling…_

 

Back at the base De Groot frowned worriedly.

“You’re losing your structural integrity,” he said. “And your engines are overheating. We were in the middle of shutting her down, she’s not going to be able to withstand this much longer.”

“Hurry up Jack,” said Vane.

“How close are we to the mile line?” asked Flint.

“200 meters give or take,” said De Groot. “Assuming that the Kaiju is in roughly the same position you’re in.”

“Right,” said Flint.

 

_We need to push it back with everything we have._

_We’re already doing that! Any more and we die!_

_We need to get it beyond that line._

_I tried to give you a reason to live. Why isn’t he enough?_

 

_Thomas’ hand in his…_

_Thomas reading to him, his voice full of excitement and passion…_

_Thomas in his hospital gown…_

_Clinging to Miranda after the news from Peter…_

 

“Walrus,” said Billy. “Watch your handshake! We can’t afford you to lose it now!”

 

_We ram it._

_Ram it?_

_In three, two…_

_Now!_

 

“Engines now well above recommended temperature!” said De Groot.

Flint and Silver said nothing, saving all their energy for pushing back the Kaiju like some kind of bizarre wrestling match.

“We can see you,” said Jack. “We’ll be engaged in a minute.”

Then the Kaiju shoved its arm straight through The Walrus’ chest and clean out the other side. The Walrus fell backwards into the sea with a crash.

“Neural handshake disconnected,” shouted Billy.

“She’s lost all power!” said De Groot.

 

L’Urca arrived at that point. Jack and Anne drove their fists up into the Kaiju’s jaw in a swift uppercut. They pushed it backwards, away from the sinking wreck that had been The Walrus.

“Do we have pods from The Walrus?” asked Billy.

“Two signals,” said De Groot. “So long as L’Urca keeps it away from them, they should be fine.”

“Are they across the mile yet?” asked Vane.

“Another few hits should do it,” said De Groot. “We can’t risk the contamination this close to a major city.”

 

Lion feinted and slipped past L’Urca, heading for The Walrus.

“Oh no you don’t,” said Vane. 

He flew down to try and block its path. Lion shot out a hand and caught the helicopter. It pulled it slowly up to its reptilian face, lip lifting in a snarl.

“Get on with it motherfucker,” said Vane.

Then Lion clenched its hand and threw the remains of the helicopter into the sea.

“Charles,” shouted Jack.

L’Urca drove a fist into Lion’s back. It turned back to face them with a growl. And the fight continued.

 

~

 

“The gas has been turned off,” said Eleanor. “And the fire’s out. But there’s one other thing.”

“What other thing?” asked Madi.

“There were Kaiju specimens in the lab. So everyone left in the Shatterdome could be at risk of Kaiju Blue if they’ve burnt.”

Madi nodded her head, lips tight.

“We need to inspect the damage.”

 

She and Eleanor helped each other into the bulky Hazmat suits.

“Let’s go,” said Madi. “We should sweep the room slowly.”

They worked in silence. It had been too long since they were alone together, and in that time Eleanor had thought that Madi was dead, and long since said her goodbyes. What did you say to a ghost? Especially a ghost who was fighting to oppose everything you were doing.

 

“I’ve found them,” said Madi eventually.

“And?” asked Eleanor.

“They’re sealed in a separate chamber. Everything seems intact.”

Eleanor sighed in relief.

“I’ll come and double check,” she said, making her way across the room.

 

In her haste to confirm that it was fine, that nobody here would die coughing up blue poison, Eleanor stopped looking where she was going. She tripped on a section of uneven floor where the fire had melted the tiles and fell forward. Right onto a length of metal. The force of the fall thrust it through her abdomen.

 

“Eleanor!” she heard Madi shout. Then everything faded to throbbing pain, blackness creeping into her vision.

 

Madi dragged her from the room, shouting into her comms for someone to fetch a doctor or to call an ambulance. She crouched over Eleanor as she lay on the floor, metal still protruding from her stomach.

Eleanor tapped weakly with one hand on her helmet, and Madi understood. She pulled Eleanor’s helmet off.

“I -” she said, breath coming fast and shallow. “Tell Max I’m sorry. We should have left. Should’ve…”

“I will,” said Madi. “I’ll tell her.”

“Did we do this?” asked Eleanor. “Woodes and I, the wall...”

“It would have happened with or without you,” said Madi. She didn’t know that she believed that, but she felt Eleanor needed kindness more than truth right now.

Eleanor nodded and closed her eyes. Her breath grew weaker and then stopped all together. Madi held her gently, kneeling in Eleanor’s blood.

 

Outside, Charles Vane was screaming at a Kaiju. And through fate or sheer coincidence, they both breathed their last breath at the same moment.

 

~

 

Flint’s pod shot open and he gasped for air. He scanned the waves, looking for the dye that would show him where Silver was. He saw the pod to the right.

“What’s going on?” he asked, hoping that he still had comms.

“L’Urca just took down Lion,” said Billy. “But we lost Vane so hold tight while we get someone else to come pick you both up.”

“We lost Vane?”

“Lion took him down.”

Flint hadn’t always liked Vane, but he sure as hell respected him towards the end. He stared out to sea, to where L’Urca stood, waist-deep in the waves. Below him he knew The Walrus would be slowly coming to rest on the seabed. There would be no coming back from this. No hope of moving his Jaeger to another base or of finding a replacement pilot. This was where the fight ended for him. Now all he could do was hope to God that Silver hadn’t been lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The danger in leaving all your plot for the last chapter is that it gets too long, so surprise! This song will be in two parts! I was hoping to have this done before uni started but alas, it wasn't to be. I can't promise when this will get finished but I'll try my best.
> 
> What do you think? What do you want to see explored in the other fics? Comment away!


	13. Dream of Waking Up II.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You sometimes talk in your sleep dear  
> In languages spoken no more

_-_ Incoming call: withheld number -

“James?”

“Miranda!”

“I just saw the news, I shouldn’t be calling but I needed to make sure you were alive.”

“I -”

“James? What’s wrong?”

“It’s Silver, he -”

“Is he alright?”

“Miranda, he says that Thomas is alive.”

 

~

 

Standing at the gates of the hospital James took a deep breath and squeezed Miranda’s hand. He was glad that she’d joined him. He wouldn’t have done this alone.  _Couldn’t_ have done this alone. At least, not willingly.

Although at this point what did he have to loose? The Walrus was gone, the ‘Dome was destroyed, and Silver, well, Silver had torn it all down. All for what lay on the other side of this gate.

“Ready?” asked Miranda.

He nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak. Miranda pressed the buzzer.

“Miranda Hamilton,” she said. “I’m here to see my husband.”

 

~

 

It was an outside day, the first in a while. Maybe it had been the weather, maybe it had something to do with the staff anxiously muttering about the end of everything.

Or, thought Thomas, maybe it hadn’t been that long at all. He didn’t care. Outside or inside, it was still a prison. 

“Thomas,” called a green clad nurse. He started to walk faster. They were always telling him he was too slow.

“Thomas, come here!”

This was different. Had he done something wrong? He couldn’t remember.

“You’ve got visitors,” said the nurse when Thomas reached her.

Well that was definitely wrong. He didn’t have those. But it was cold outside, so he followed her inside. She led him to a room, and then Thomas saw  two people who couldn’t have possibly been alive .

He threw himself at James and held him as tightly as he could. The solid flesh came as a shock, but he didn’t question it. He planned to live in this delusion as long as he could. And then there was Miranda holding him, and she was weeping. Thomas knew that she  wasn’t real, but he swore he could smell her perfume.

 

~

 

- Incoming call: withheld number -

“Hello?”

“James?”

“Madi.”

“He told me what he told you. As if it made up for what he did. I had to call. Was he lying?”

“We found him, he’s alive.”

There was silence on the line.

 

“I’m glad,” said Madi. “You deserve it, you both deserve something good after all you’ve done for the world.”

“Are you alright?”

“I’m still fighting. Did Miranda tell you what she’d been working on?”

“Hong Kong?”

“Yes.”

“Are you leading the mission?”

“Yes.”

“Good luck.”

“Thank you.”

“And is he...”

“I don’t know where he is. But he doesn’t get to choose when I stop fighting.”

“No.”

 

There was more silence.

“I won’t ask you to come back,” said Madi eventually. “There’s no jaeger for you to pilot, and, well, I know that this was personal for you.”

“Thank you.”

“I should go, we have a lot to do. And they think it’s a matter of days.”

“They couldn’t ask for a better person to run this.”

“Goodbye James.”

“Goodbye Madi.”

 

~

 

Thomas didn’t know whether it was the Greek sun or the fact that after years of sedatives and other sundry medications his head was finally clear, but he couldn’t stop talking. 

He talked with James, he talked with Miranda, he talked with people in the market or around town. He spoke English and tried to update his knowledge of Greek to a modern era.

 

“You’re even talking in your sleep,” said Miranda, as she forced him to drink hot lemon and honey for his throat. Not forced, never forced, he was free now. He chose to drink this.

“It’s no wonder that you’re losing your voice.”

“What am I saying?” he asked her.

“I can’t tell most of the time,” she said. “You were speaking to us a little, and the Spanish was poetry. The French seems to be arguments, but I don’t know who with. But, mostly you’re talking in Greek, or Latin.”

“There was some Old English,” said James. “And the Greek was a mix of Aurelius and Homer.”

They both looked at him. He shrugged.

“I don’t know what the Old English meant, I just remember what it sounded like from when you learned it.”

“At school,” said Thomas. “I always did like that teacher.”

“Did he show you his lessons in the drift?” asked Miranda.

“Yes, I think he was hoping the language would stick.”

“I can’t believe I married you,” she told Thomas fondly. “Drink your honey and lemon.”

 

“In my defence,” said Thomas hoarsely, sipping his drink. “I haven’t spoken in years. I’m making the most of it while I can.”

They all went quiet at that. It had been two days since Madi’s call. Who knew how long the world had left?

“And,” said Thomas, looking at them slyly. “If you don’t want me to keep talking I have other ideas for what to do with my tongue.”

James flushed and pulled him up, dragging him in for a kiss. Thomas tasted sweet from the honey. 

“This is going to be just as bad for your throat,” said Miranda as she steered them to the bedroom, but she laughed as she said it.

 

Afterwards, they all lay together on the bed, basking in the afternoon sunshine. James and Miranda lay on either side of Thomas, neither wanting to be apart from him. Thomas liked it, it helped ground him.

Their window was open and looked out onto the Ionian sea. When they found the house it was the view that had made them choose it. Thomas had said that with a view like that, he understood why Odysseus fought so hard to come home.

“It’s been too long since I looked at the sea without worrying about what might come out of it,” said James.

“It’s been too long since I looked at the sea,” said Thomas. He let out a shaky laugh.

Miranda gently started to run her fingers through his hair.

“For now we’re safe,” she said. “And we’re together.”

“Now all we need is for someone to cancel the apocalypse,” said Thomas.

They drifted off to sleep in the sun. Thomas kept talking, but nobody was awake to hear the  his  words.

 

~

 

Flint.

You probably don’t want this email. I can’t blame you for that. Madi said that she spoke to you, but she wouldn’t  tell me anything else . Given that she’s willing to talk to me at all, I’m guessing you’re alright, and that you found him.

I’d say that I hope one day you could forgive me, but we don’t have that long.  Instead of forgiveness I’m going to settle for understanding. Please know that I did this because I love you. You might already know. You might have seen it when we drifted. I just need to put it into words. I wish I could have told you in person.

I  love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I hope that you read this before you delete it. And I hope that you’re all happy, wherever you are.

John.

 

~

 

“Turn on the news,” shouted Miranda, not even bothering to close the door as she rushed into the house. James had the television on in a second.

The three of them watched in silence. They watched as L’Urca descended into the depths of the Pacific. The door swung in the wind and every now and then hit the wall. 

Eventually, an eternity later, the pods were ejected. Miranda and James held hands so tightly that it hurt. They only breathed again when Jack and Anne emerged from them, both alive.

There was more footage of the ocean, then it cut to Madi in the Hong Kong Shatterdome. 

“We have confirmation,” she said. Her voice would have sounded calm and collected to anyone who didn’t know her. 

“The breach has been closed.”

 

That night, the island was alive with celebrations, celebrations that were echoed the world over. They were all going to live! The world was finally safe.

 

~

 

Two weeks later, and they were still in Ithaca. It seemed as good a place as any to build a new life.

 

James was cooking lunch, and being hindered by Thomas who kept stealing the food. Miranda was reading at the kitchen table and pretending to be innocent. The fact that Thomas was slipping her stolen olives meant the illusion was a flimsy one.

“You’re worse than children,” laughed James. “You’re worse than the Walrus crew!”

 

They nearly missed the knock on the door. Nearly.

“One of you will need to get that,” said James. “Unless you want lunch to burn.”

“You’re better at Greek,” said Miranda, not looking up from her book.

Thomas went, but stole a final piece of halloumi as he did so.

“Oh,” they heard him say when he opened the door.

He came back into the kitchen.

“You’ve got visitors.”

 

“Hello,” said Madi.

Miranda set down her book and rose to hug her tightly.

“It’s so good to see you,” said Miranda.

But James only had eyes for the man behind her.

 

Silver stood with his eyes downcast, staring at the ground. He looked both as though he wanted to be there more than anything in the world, and like he would have given  his other leg  to be far away.

“John,” said James, his voice nearly too quiet to be heard.

Miranda and Madi separated.

“I, I’m sorry,” said Silver. “I-” He couldn’t speak, and wouldn’t have known what to say if he could.

James clenched and unclenched his fists, the laughter gone from his face. Instead the expression was one of longing. Thomas recognised it from the night they’d first kissed. 

In the end it was Thomas who moved first. He embraced Silver and then pulled back, looking down at him. Silver held his hands awkwardly at his side and didn’t seem to know what to do. His face was panicked.

“Thank you,” said Thomas. “I understand it’s you I should thank for having them back.”

He let go, and Silver let out a shaky breath of relief. Thomas moved aside.

And then James was kissing Silver, and he didn’t know how it had happened, but fuck, what else could he have done? Silver had taken away his world but given him a future. 

 

The five of them may have stayed that way  for God knows how long ,  watching James and John embrace,  but the kitchen filled with smoke.

“Fuck,” said James, rushing back to the stove.

And that set off the laughing. 

“Well,” said Miranda. “Welcome, both of you.” 

“Yes,” said Thomas. “It’s nice to meet you. I’d offer you lunch but...”

There was more laughter. 

 

~

 

They still have some way to go, the five of them, but let’s leave them here. Here at a table overlooking the sea in bright sunshine. The breeze carries the scent of the salt, and there are cheeses, and bread, and dolmades to eat. The world didn’t end,  the dead are alive, and life feels full of love and endless possibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so sorry this took me so long to finish! Who knew that moving overseas for uni would be such a busy time? I have more that I want to add to this verse in the form of one shots, but that's a while away. Let me know if there's anything you want to know more about! For now, I hope that you just enjoy how this ended. Thank you all so much for your kudos and your comments. It's meant the world to me <3


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